As the title says, does being fat define you? As we all know the first time you meet someone the first thing you see is the way they look and whether we like to admit it or not we make a judgement on that person. This is where the divide between people starts, we have those who make an immediate judgement of that person and those that don’t, now I believe that most people make a judgement straight away, now this could be based on the way the person looks, what they are wearing, how they have their hair or what their behaviour is like.
I think like most of us I would like to think that I wouldn’t make a judgement straight away but in reality I do, but I can honestly say most of the time I make a judgement on how the person is, for example I made my mind up about one of my brothers ex-girlfriends very quickly and never changed my mind and the reason, well she was too nice and I was suspicious. No matter how hard I tried to see her in the light everyone else did I couldn’t, anyways, on this occasion I was right and she wasn’t as she appeared to everyone. But even I realise this isn’t always going to be the way with people.
There are some people who make a judgement of people based on the way they look and will sometimes even tell a stranger something that is wrong with them. Now, as mentioned above the story with the ex-girlfriend I never once told her to her face I don’t like you because you’re too nice. I was polite and only shared my views with my partner. Now I know this made me two-faced but I believe that sometimes you have to keep the peace and not antagonise relatives/friends.
Being fat I have been subjected to people making a judgement straight away I’ve lost count of the times I’ve had people shout ‘fat bitch’ or ‘fat cow’ at me, once I when I was eating my dinner outside of work I was told not to eat as I needed to lose weight. An observation which I and everyone else knows is true. This then led me to think of the group of lads that said this to me; they had trackies on were riding on bikes that were too small and I immediately thought scally teenagers who inevitably will be on the dole and my tax money will fund their drink and drugs. Now my observation may have been as true as theirs was but I never said anything, just the same as I wouldn’t tell someone random in the street they needed to lose weight, put weight on, get a wash etc.
It got me thinking the other day does being fat define me? Is being fat the only thing I’ve got? I want to say no it doesn’t define me and that I have other qualities but I know that being fat rules my life and prevents me from moving forward. When I’m in a more positive mood I can see that it doesn’t define me I have my own house which I bought when I was 24, I have a job, a great family, a degree, a car, a boyfriend who I’ve been with for almost 7 years, good friends and I am generally a good person. However, on down days all I see is a big fat horrible mess, someone who can’t control their eating, someone who eats until they can’t move and makes themselves feel so sick, someone who hasn’t achieved much in 28 years and is likely to always be an underachiever, the ugly one, the fat one, the one people keep as a friend so they feel better about themselves. Of course some of these aren’t true, but the fact remains I am one big, fat ugly person who cannot control herself.
Control plays a big part, I cannot control my eating so I try and control other aspects of my life which I do unsuccessfully! I like to think I am in control but the reality is I’m not I’m just a pretender, one of the reason I drink little and don’t take any recreational drugs is the thought of losing control terrifies me but what I don’t understand is why losing control of my eating doesn’t terrify me? Because in reality this is as likely to kill me as a drug or alcohol dependency, ok so with those things you can risk instant death but most people dependant on drugs or alcohol have a long, hard, tough and a lot of the time lonely journey to death I don’t want to be on the same journey as an addict but I am.
I have to give up my constant need for food, the constant nagging in my head that tells me to grab food and eat lots of it, the constant need to feel normal and order ‘bad’ food in restaurants because my friends have, knowing in the back of my head that they don’t go overboard all the time and I do.
As much as I don’t want to admit it, being fat does define me and I don’t want it to. So this is why I am taking action and 2011 will be the year that the fat doesn’t win, I do.